I, Congress member [Print name here], do hereby solemnly swear that during my term in Congress, I will never, under any circumstances, take action that could only have come from a Silly Goose or Nincompoop. I will never vote for legislation that is unfair, goofy, or poopy potty. Never during my term will I be a liar liar pants on fire. I promise not to be a big Bozo head and kissy kiss someone unless they’re my spouse or my best friend in the whole world.
I do promise to try to be friends with all kinds of people, even girls. If I see a bully loudmouth pulling a girl’s hair or calling her names like “longy hair dumb brains,” I take the sober vow to say, “Hey, you big meany head, quit it. Just quit it.” Even though I know I’ll get a wedgie later.
With God and country as my witnesses, I pledge here and now never to take more than one goodie bag from lobbyists’ spooky-yummy Halloween or Birthday parties. No matter how many Batman Pez dispensers, purple ring pops, and ping-pong paddles with a ball attached by a string they offer: I only take one super game toy. Any more, and I might get distracted.
I promise to do my homework, even during our 18 weeks of vacation. When Mr. Speaker asks if I did my summer reading, I’ll say, “Yes, sir. And what’s the homework for tonight?” Everyone else will groan, but I don’t care about those noisy ninnies.
With a nod toward the Constitution, and in deference to the Founding Fathers, I hereby give my word never to wear my underpants on the outside of my big boy pants. This isn’t the State Senate anymore. I’ll dress myself seven days per week, honest. Yeah I’ll be a C-SPAN celebrity, but I won’t let it get to my head.
Just as important, I affirm with all my intellect and heart that I will give a jumping high-five to any frumpy four-eyes who writes a bill making it illegal to discriminate against people just because they’re a little uncomfortable with the direction this Twister game seems heading. I will fight to get the bill passed, against organized opposition from a bunch of giddy gumdrops, saucy so-and-so’s, half-naked nellies, and Democrats.
Finally, I attest that I will never, no matter what, even entertain the idea of voting for a bill that fundamentally changes the nature of our government from encouraging self-reliance and hard work, to encouraging acting like a lazypants poopy face.
And if I have time, I will work for a more just and democratic society.
[If you can’t read or write or think for yourself, just sign with an X]